


once upon a time (but we don't do that cheesey shit)

by Ashlielle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Crack Fic, M/M, Other, also implied deancas but not really but also it's canon anyways periodt end of discussion, cas is always proud of his son. always., dean drinks when he can't grasp reality, deancas both says da eff word uh oh, don't argue with me it's canon now and not up for debate periodt, ghost food phobia, jack has three dads but we all knew that, jack kline is my son (courtesy of my sister but mood), jack kline is the most precious child, jack kline is the next edgar allen poe, major character death except don't be scared it's fine in the end uwu, sam is a dog whistle confirmed, sam is a mouse confirmed, sam is a rug confirmed, sam is a teapot confirmed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashlielle/pseuds/Ashlielle
Summary: The tags already say enough but if you must know something about this fic, the word "the" appears approximately 21 times over the course of this short fic. Yes I counted. If you argue you will be instantly smoted.Thank you for your time.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	once upon a time (but we don't do that cheesey shit)

"SO GET THIS" Sam says, turning his lappytop to Dean and wheezing higher pitched than a teapot's whistle, "There's been a bunch of deaths happening in Indiana, around this little rural town with a lot of farms. All the classic signs of ghosts - cold spots, lights flickering, you know the usual - and specifically targeting cow breeders."

Dean looks at his brother, unimpressed and confused as to why he sounds like an actual fucking mouse squeaking in laughter. "Okay..? You're gonna have to elaborate Sammy."

"It's... it's freaking..." he starts, before leaning over in his chair with his hand over his stomach, his stomach in pain from laughing too hard, "I know we hunt all kinds of weird things but this is just..."

Rolling his eyes, Dean goes to grab the laptop in growing curiosity when Sam snatches it back. "No, no, I want to say it," he says, finally getting control over his breathing again and trying to wipe his face of as much mirth as he can. "These people have been getting crushed in their sleep," Sam begins, and Dean wonders when he's just going to get to the fucking point as Sam draws out an unnecessary dramatic silence, "By cows that leave fur, hoof marks, everything. But there's never any cow body, or any sign of exit or entry."

...

"Cows," Dean says. It's not a question, but it's not a statement either. "Like, what, ghost cows?"

Sam shrugs, his shoulders hitching a few more times in half-contained chuckles. "Ghost cows."

The cooler they'd lugged in opens as Dean grabs a well-needed beer and he flops down gracelessly into an armchair as he pops it open. "What the hell are our lives Sam? Also more importantly Cas, it's me. Just thought you should know: Ghost cows. Just. Freaking ghost cows."

Sam's laughter reignites as Dean ends his short prayer, and he doubles over as he asks Dean, "Why did you PRAY to Cas for THIS?"

"He needs to know, Sam," Dean protests, "I mean what's next? Fucking ghost bacon? Ghost donuts? Ghost BURGERS?"

"WHY ARE YOU ONLY LISTING FOODS?!" Sam is literally rolling on the floor. He takes up so much space and has so much damned hair that he looks like one of those fancy bear rugs but if they wore disgusting flannel and were alive and could release dog whistle pitched giggles.

Cas appears as Dean continues having a ghost food crisis and Sam literally melts into the floor. "W h a t T h e F u c k." Even the angel curses. Ghost cows have literally destroyed the boys. Absolutely cowed them, if you will.

They don't even go to investigate the case. They retire immediately and Dean lives in fear of ghost food for the rest of his miserable life. Sam is still a complimentary rug in the doomed motel room for the rest of his life, tripping poor confused customers as he rolls in the floor, holding his aching stomach because he never grew up and learned that ghost cows is literally not that funny??? But he's still there years later and has grown so much new hair that people speculate he is some new type of cryptid.

Cas sadly instantly imploded upon being explained to by his beloved Winchester (Bros tm bc DeanCas is Totally Not Gay *cough cough*) but a single little itty bitty piece of him echoes around the planet, whispering "... why ghost cows... why....... that's so absolutely random........?"  
No one has been able to explain them to this day.

\-- THE END OF THE VERY GOOD STORY!! :) -- 

Jack finishes reading the scratchy writing from the paper in front of him and looks up, beaming at the three men in front of him. The brothers look rightfully confused as absolute hell because... what is in this kids head? Cas just looks proud of his son-not-son (but totally son) as always and pats his back, leading him away with words of praise as Sam and Dean give each other an incredulous shake of the head and crack open dem cold ones.

**Author's Note:**

> Read a true story about a freak accident in which a cow fell through a roof and killed a man. My sister's first thought was ghost cows so: This exists now.  
> Also if it wasn't clear, Jack wrote this story for his 3 fathers. (This absolves me of all blame for writing this so please do not murder me thank you-)


End file.
